Be amazing and be amazed, with yourself

John S: My wife wants me to stop drinking and I don’t want to.

If you want it short and sweet, what she want’s is: the best that she can get from you. She wants you to be at your best and the nice thing about this is it shows that she cares for you. 

John S: I agree, two great points. She says: when you drink your not as sharp as you usually are and when you don’t drink, you are awesome. 

She wants you to impress her.

John S: Your killing me.

She wants you to make her go: wow, wow did I get lucky. 

John S: which I have done many times. 

You’re a guy that has figured out life already: you take great care of your body, you created a home environment that suits you, you have a job that you are successful and competent in, so, your already evidence of a successful and well lived life. It’s within your DNA that you are a performer: you get the job done.

John S: Right.

So, this is a lot easier problem to solve for you than it would be for the average guy. Your a puzzle with just a couple of pieces out of place from perfection. So what is it…

John S: that causes me pain?

No, that would inspire you to realize that you are going to continue to make your life greater every day? 

John S: I think I do that by building on what we have with each other and the kids.

Lets see if we can come to a resolution of your question then. 

John S: but I don’t want any hard answers, I want to continue my lifestyle and have her happy with it. I have been the same guy with the same behavior for 20 years, so why is this bothering her now? 

It doesn’t matter why, it only matters “that” she want’s it. She want’s to be happy in a way that she’s not.

John S: very true.

So that’s what the issue is: how can she be happy in a way that she’s not now?

John S: I think that she just wants to know that “I’m more secure” because I am a better person when I am not drinking. How’s that? Everything I have built is more secure with less or no drinking, because she will never wake up wondering: will he make a dumb choice when he is drunk? It’s insulting that she would think I would make a dumb choice when I never have.

It was not intended as an insult. In order to solve this, you have to allow your wife to be right.

John S: I get that. I just know that she is hurting.

Right and so just have this be the premise:…

John S: its beautiful the way that you are doing this, because you don’t know the answers and you won’t fake it to me and that genius stroke is your gift. What I don’t get is that my behavior has not been worsening I am not doing more and so why is she unhappy?

Your asking the wrong question. 

John S: because we are getting older and the kids will be going to college etc…

What I would do is make sure that she knows that you have taken the time to carefully listen and understand everything that she has to say about the subject, without defending yourself in any way. Tell here when you are talking to her next time: explain some more to me about this. How does it make you feel? How does it bother you? What are your thoughts when it is starting to irritate you? I want to know what all of that is so that I can best know how to deal with it. I wan’t to know in the moment that you are making yourself unhappy, because of the thoughts that are going through your brain about me and what I am doing . Speak that thought in that moment and I will not defend myself, “I just want to know what it is as it is happening, so that we know what we are dealing with.” It is something inside of her that is forcing her into a negative state of mind and what ever it is: you need to be kind and gracious and say: please share that with me so that we can work through this and you can tell her that it is not easy for you right now to find a solution for this that is comfortable for you yet.

John S: you want me to be totally honest?

Yes.

John S: I don’t want to find a solution because I don’t want to change. 

The solution doesn’t have to be the one that she is proposing. I am not convinced that the problem has to do with your drinking.

John S: That’s what I have said to her.

Just be aware of this: what she wants is for you to be at your best. She wants you to be fully consciously there and you can do that no matter what is going on with your body because it is just a choice. So, decide if it’s worth finding a way to surprise her nicely once every day.

John S: what do you mean?

What you know about what makes her laugh, smile, feel good about her life, count her blessings, you know what they are, you’ve been with her for 20 years.

John S: Your right, I choose my own selfish goals each day.

Put that at the top of the list and get it done quickly and easily and then get back to the rest of your list. Don’t get stuck on her complaint as being the definition of what the problem is.

John S: thats all I can work from, because there is nothing else that I have done or haven’t done.

There are lot’s of things that you should have done that you haven’t done. 

John S: I think here you would be wrong and here’s why: she thinks I am great in almost every way except for the drinking. She just says that: “you can’t think so much of drinking.”

How does she know that you think so much of drinking?

John S: because she see’s my expense reports and what they are for. But. your right, she likes to see me do them and your right: she gets happy when she sees me doing my work…

I get it about all the good that you do, but all you are doing is defending your position here, we’re not coming to a resolution.

John S: don’t you think that there is some rational to saying: “now it’s not good enough again?”

No, unless you want to stay there. Do you want to continue being upset about this and do you want to continue month after month not dealing with this effectively? 

John S: no.

Then quit defending yourself to me, because justifying who you are and what you are doing as being good enough, when your wife says that you’re not is not addressing “what is.”

John S: gut punch taken. Your right because it just de-defends the position that you thought that you had. It un-defends.

Your asking me for help and not allowing me to give it. 

John S: I have thought: if I am comfortable where I am at, I wouldn’t be trying to defend it. Right? 

Your building a wall between you and your wife and your trying to defend that as a solution to this problem that you are asking for help with. I am not here to sanction the choices that you have made that are not going to resolve the problem that you have said that you want resolved. 

John S: I ask you to help me solve it and I have spent the time defending why I am right. 

It’s like you’re determined to not solve it. 

John S: yes, 400 yards ago I said I don’t want it to change.

Yes, but you have said it over and over and over again and I have heard it and I get it. OK? I understand that you don’t want to change what you are doing, OK? I get it, so don’t tell it to me anymore, if we want to have a resolution. I appreciate your letting me say that, because what it means is there’s a change that we might come up with something that makes your wife happy. And you. Your wife and you, both happy, at the same time. That is my objective. 

John S: but it is her that is unhappy and I don’t want to change.

We are not looking for a way for one of you to be happy and the other one to be sad. We’re looking for a way for both of you to be happy, so if you will let me, I will see if there is a way to find that impossible solution. 

John S: this isn’t really a conflict. I think what you have said is: John S adjust your behavior,up or down. If your wife isn’t happy, your a smart guy, you love her and care for her: make some adjustments. Now I have done some of this…

Stop defending yourself, you have told me this over and over. 100% of what she is feeling, she believes is a result of what you are doing. She is not taking responsibility for her feelings, she believes that her feelings have to be expressed and acted upon and justified as being not able to be other than what they are. 

John S: I am not sure that I get what you are saying.

She does not realize that she is in control of her feelings and state of mind. She could, if she cared enough about her own state of mind and made that a priority, she could learn how to be happy regardless of the circumstances she is in.

John S: Dave, I am not trying to justify my position, but I have said to her Suzy: I hate to break this to you, this isn’t about me entirely: its about your own happiness. I keep asking: what am I missing here? 

But, you keep preventing the answer from coming. 

John S: from you?

Yes.

John S: I was giving you some background. 

And as long as you keep talking, I can’t embrace a state of knowing what the answer to your question is. So you are misusing me, if you want me to be effective in answering some of the questions that you have.

John S: I am just trying to give you the background and reasons.

Just try not to talk, I understood the problem from the beginning and I can’t address it as long as your addressing it.

John S: I know, but you have to understand that as you talk deep and you say things about Suzy, I’m like wow and I forget, my memory is short term. I have made some adjustments always to my ultimate goal: being John S happily. How about that? John S happy with everything good or bad he likes. Hows that? I just wandered into that. 

The feelings that you have about her, are every bit as legitimate as the feelings that she has about you. The feelings that you have about her: where your unhappy are her responsibility to deal with those in you. Anything that you are unhappy with about her, are her responsibility to engage that in you and find a way to resolve them.

John S: thats powerful vise versa is true.

But, we are dealing with “her” right now.

John S: because she voiced that.

No, because you voiced that. Because you voiced to me that this has become a problem for you. So we’re not here to say what she should be doing to make you more appreciative of her as her husband. OK? Thats another time and thats another topic and off topic for tonight, but I just had to acknowledge that this is not one sided. 

It is her that wants. What does she want? Lets feel her. She wants to know that everything is going to be OK, because it is just like what you said: the kids are growing up, they are going to be going away, there are life changes coming and your going to be empty nesters soon. She knows that she is in the second half of her life and she wants to know that thats going to be rewarding for her.

John S: can I throw something in there?

Yes.

John S: it will be better than the first half and it should be to some degree. 

Yes, it should be, because all of the fears of youth about what you are going to do are gone. You already know what life is like for you now and how things are accomplished. You already did it. So what is her life going to be like with you when the kids are gone? Thats what she is thinking about. 

Lets look at what is deeper here now.

John S: can I grab a drink?

Sure, that will give me a moment to relax. When you come back, just sit down quietly and lets see if there is anything that will come out that will be nice.

Here it is: choose to be Amazing in your life, for your wife and let that new you dictate your behavior. Choose to be Amazing and allow Amazing to dictate what you do. You don’t need to plan anything: be Amazing. 

Sit down. What I am about to tell you is not facetious, it may sound trite, but you don’t have to decide what you are going to do. All you have to decide is: to take the next step and be Amazing, Be Amazing. 

John S: thats a heavy burden.

Don’t think about what that will be, take a moment and pay attention to your body and feel it and choose to be amazing, right now, here. We’re not talking about a future problem that we are trying to solve. It’s just me and you, right now. Pay attention to your body, feel the you that is you here and choose to be amazing, right now. While your sitting here: how do you choose to be amazing right now and just sit here and feel it? Oh my god, shit, look at all of that stuff that I have to let go of just to appreciate myself.

John S: me or you?

I am having to do the same thing, because what you go through I am going through.

John S: its not trite, its heavy.

Choose. Choose to experience yourself as amazing, right now in this moment. Its not something that you have to try to do. It’s something where you say: OK

John S: I am picking the good things.

No, this is not a mental exercise.

John S: focus.

This is not an intention either. 

John S: you just told me to accept myself as amazing.

But it is not a goal, it is an experience, right now. It is not a mental process.

John S: it is in this way: I will tell you what, I have detailed my Achilles heels to you and so what I am choosing to do is just focus on the amazing part right?

No, no, focus on “the feeling” right now in this moment.

John S: just being amazed? 

Of feeling that YOU are Amazing. You chose to feel amazing and how does that shift your body and your consciousness? “I choose to be amazed by myself.” That just makes my body twist and turn to release things for that to be true about me. 

John S: just choose it is what you are saying.

Yes, it is just a choice, it’s an available choice.

John S:  Just be a man, just be a man. 

Be amazed at yourself, right now. Just feel amazement for the wondrous nature that you just realized that you have always been.

John S: I am just an entity. David, I am just an entity and I am here on this piece of earth and I offer a lot of great things and I am just amazed at myself.

Just choose to be amazed at who you are and what could have been on the down side and realize that “I beat the odds, I really did.” I am amazed.

John S: I am amazed. Thank you. 

Now, look at what the next step can be for you in the transition into the full bloom of the perfection that you are destined to be here.

John S: that is interesting how you word that.

You are a work in progress, you are a flower that is embracing and allowing it to be embraced by the sun, by the air. How is it that a flower becomes amazing by doing nothing? Because it realizes the perfection in each moment at each stage of its development. 

John S: I disagree, can I tell you why? A flower is just being who it is and is taking in what it has: water, sunlight and air and doing what it knows are best for it to do, it is doing things that are natural. I think that I have gone to a higher plane.

It is allowing the reality that was preprogrammed to occur.

John S: it is just being who it is and it isn’t fettered by all the bullshit of the process.

It is not worried about how to do it, its just happening.

John S: it is illuminating its beautiful colors which it already has and you know what? I have some beautiful colors: I am just amazed at who I am. 

Feel it from your toes to your feet, from your ankles to your shins, your knees, your thighs, your hips, your torso

John S: my cock.

Yes, your balls, your cock of course, isn’t that what its all about there? Feeling amazing? 

John S: it is, I forget how it feels. 

Yes, what would it feel like if your whole body felt amazing like your penis does when you do what it wants? What does it feel like for your whole body to be in orgasmic rapture for the life that it is? 

John S: I have contemplated those 22 seconds of orgasm and what does human nature want to feel that good? Because it is the epic moment of a neurological discharge of feeling that happy and all human nature wants to do is find happiness at what ever level keeps it up here….

OK, so lets drop the intellectual again, let go of that and just feel the amazement.

John S: can I tell you what I am amazed at right now? 

No, Yes, go ahead.

John S: that I can choose just be amazed. At this level and “this” level and I can choose this next one too.

Your doing it.

John S: You told me: “just be amazed.” 

Stop analyzing it and just be amazed right now. Just be amazed right now and allow that amazement to grow, expand and be real for you. Allow it to be real for you, allow it to be real. Really be amazed! 

John S: are you saying define it?

No! Be amazed, be amazed, experience amazement, experience the amazement that is available for you in the realization of the ultimate truth of all things here: realize that it is who your are. You are that which can experience ultimate truth here, thats amazing. 

John S: I’m amazed, because I am truly unique, I am just me.

Thats truly amazing that the experience of ultimate truth is available for you.

John S: I don’t know about ultimate truth, but I am amazed at who I am, for what I am and I am amazed that there is no one else exactly like me. I am amazed that I am sitting here talking to you. I am just amazed, thank you, wow.

OK, have you got a concept of what rapture is? 

John S: yes, but why kill the buzz though?

Thats the next step beyond amazement, is rapture. 

John S: your killing my amazement dave, go ahead. 

No it is expanding out to include the universe in its appreciation of the wondrous nature of what it is.

John S: beyond myself?

Exactly, take that step

John S: you might have to help me, I am amazed at who I am and now in this universe… On a bigger scale I am amazed?

Yes.

John S: When you feel amazing, the behavior takes care of itself.

Exactly, you got it. 

John S: you have to stop calculating why or how you are going to do something and just focus on feeling amazing until you are.

Behavior is a result of beingness: if you are a certain beingness, then that has certain characteristics that are predictable. If you are amazing to your wife, then you don’t have to worry about what your behavior is going to be or not be. If you are amazing from the moment that you walk in the door to the moment that you walk out, would it matter what it was that you did or did not do while you were there? 

John S: I know that to be true, I will tell you why: when I feel amazing when I am working: connections happen, deals happen and you offer a lot more to others. 

Choose to be amazing in life, for yourself and for others. Allow who you are when you are with others to make them glad that they know you, that they are inspired that there is someone like you here. Allow them to be amazed and to count their blessings because they know you. Be amazing and be amazed, with yourself

You have to allow the other person to be right. If the other person: your husband, your wife, your father, mother, sister, brother, if they are disappointed in you: let them be right, because boy are they right about that. Don’t justify the fact that you know that “your not” when their experience of you tells them otherwise. If someone is disappointed in you; thats true for them, they are disappointed in you, so is the problem with them? Or is the problem with you? The disappointments that others have with you, is the shoe that you wear and can never take off until you realize that being amazing is the only realistic choice that you have that will result in your living the life here that you want for your self. You want your life here to be amazing: amazingly easy, amazingly fun, amazingly loving, amazingly joyous for everyone. 

Now if you are far from amazing: that doesn’t mean that it can’t be done. That just means that you’ve got a lot of space between you and “there” to begin with. So allow it to start and allow that which is so un-amazing within you to relax and begin to know what it is to actually be free, So free that he is celebrated by all of humanity who knows him. How is it that that level of amazement is obtained by a human? Is it as simple as allowing that “program” to take root within you? The knowing of that which comprises you, influences you, operates you, manifests who you are here: what ever it is that controls you manifestation here, is it as simple as your now consciously choosing that program that is running you to be modified by: “amazingly wonderful” and allow yourself to walk that into your experience of life here as you? 

As soon as you make the choice to experience amazing, all of those areas that know that they are not, will raise their hands and say: we’re the reason that you should not feel amazing here: we are the way that we are, you are the way that you are and our experience of “us” is “this” and it is most decidedly not amazing! 

But what happens to it when the choice that governs its existence, when the chooser that governs it’s existence, has chosen a new program called amazing? The amazing grace that is true of you?

Allow amazing to be downloaded into your experience of self, consciously in your embodiment here. Don’t bother yourself with worrying about what to choose in life, bother yourself with fully realizing in life that “AMAZING” is what you have chosen to be here. 

With each one of those expressions of you that have become a low toned emotional presence within you, as each experience of yourself that is decidedly the opposite of amazing makes itself known: you embrace all that you are there, then allow yourself to realize amazement as you embrace the you that has not been appreciated or amazing to anyone.

And you will be amazing.

Blessings, to you: you are amazing.